I have been writing this blog for a while now, and for even longer have held spiritual beliefs that my family doesn’t necessarily think I’ve held. When I created this blog, I also at that time created the pseudonymn of Livewithwonder as well as a new locked twitter account different from my old one, and didn’t advertise the new account on my old one.
I did all of this simply because my brother followed me on my original account a while back and I was terrified to death of what my family would think if they knew I believed what I did. It’s kind of funny. I had no problems with strangers on the internet judging my beliefs, but as soon as things get close to home that’s when the fear comes. Fear that my family would reject me, or try to set me up with some church counseling in an attempt to convert me back, or that I would literally break my parents’ hearts, fear that my wife might divorce me, fear that my in-laws would be horrified of me and kick me to the curb (I currently live under their roof).
No more fear
After living this way for a few years, I’ve simply decided that I have no more room in my life for fear. None. I’m done with fear. If these things are to happen, let them be. At least I can say that I am honest about who I am. At least I won’t be a coward sitting in a church, actively listening to a sermon I know I don’t entirely believe. And who knows, maybe these are only caricatures of my family I’ve written in my mind. Maybe I’ve exaggerated to myself how they will react. Maybe sometimes the shadow of a thing is more intimidating than the thing itself.
For the record, as far as I know, my entire family are devout Christians, with the exception of a few Mormons on my wife’s side. Other than that, my parents, in-laws, brother, wife and son are all Christians. I can’t…really call myself that anymore. Family, and any other Christians who may know me, I’ve recently revealed this blog to you. If you are reading this, I apologize for keeping such a big secret from you, and know I’m not one of those fundamaterialist atheist types.
I’m not entirely sure what it is I do believe yet, but if I had to use a label, I’d go with: Buddhist, ignostic, deist, taoist, spiritualist discordian. Honestly, what I believe changes every day. Perhaps I agree with Ghandi. Perhaps my only true religion is love. I think I’d like that. I think I like the idea of keeping it simple.
I would like to dedicate this post to my wife. All this time, she has been the only one who has known what I believe, and she has been both patient and understanding, even though she believes I may be going to hell. She is an amazing woman and I love her. Her religion does not change that for me.
Until next time, be true to yourself.
Livewithwonder AKA Casey Young can be contacted on his blog at livewithwonder.wordpress.com, email through firstname.lastname@example.org, and twitter at his ORIGINAL handle @mrthejazz1.
the @Livewithwonder twitter account will no longer be used since it has served its purpose.