A post about Drifting

livewithwonderHi everyone. You don’t need me to tell you it’s been a long time since my last post. As a matter of fact, I left half-way through a series of writings on the Enneagram, just flat out abandoning those poor little articles without their siblings.

I suppose I should start with an explanation of my sudden disappearance from the internet. It went like this: First, one of my articles was on the receiving end of some powerful criticism. Now, let me say this: Criticism I can take, but this particular criticism had a lot of truth to it, and that’s something different. I was stuck, and I remember at the same time thinking that if I continued with the rest of the series, that same criticism would just apply to all the other articles too, and I would have that glaring criticism just staring me in the face while I just blatantly ignored it and failed to address it and before you know it the whole project along with my reputation as a “honest” writer tanks. After all, if someone criticizes you, and you think they’re right, and you go on writing the articles just to finish the series, well what level of OCD is that?

At the same time that I was pondering what to do with this…view that had been handed to me, I began the sudden and unexpected process of moving my family out of my sister-in-law’s house. Also, I got a new job, took up an interest in voice acting for a while, my wife began homeschooling my son, and every other day was insane with busyness. Since then, I took up a different job, moved into my mother-in-law’s house (poverty, yeah!) and have been busy raising two kids who pretty much keep me preoccupied 24/7. In case you’re wondering, I’m not writing this because I want to make excuses for not writing anything before now.

It is time to wake up again

My point is, I fell asleep. I began drifting. I let society hypnotize me and more time has sifted through my fingers.

Don’t get me wrong. It hasn’t all been a blur. I won second place in a pizza-eating contest and gave the absurdly large local pizza-eating trophy to my older son. I’ve trained my one year old to make an explosion sound when I say “Ziggy boogy doog,” and if you get that reference I applaud you.

I think another reason I drifted is that I’ve always felt counterfeit in the spiritual community. Here you have people who take up the lives of monks, or who travel around like Jordan has, and are thus able to transcend their roots and grow in many ways by experiencing countless different cultures around them. I know people on Skype who claim to be able to speak with spirits, or work tarot, or astral project…and me?

Well…not so much. I drink caffeine, work a 9-5 (actually 11-8 currently), never remember my dreams, and basically, if you saw me face-to-face, you wouldn’t pick me out as the “spiritual” type at all. Sometimes I get lucky though. To quote the Grateful Dead, “Sometimes the light’s all shining on me. Other times I can barely see.” Lately for me, I’ve been pretty blind. You see, for me, spirituality, and writing about spirituality comes at a cost. Specifically, it comes at the cost of me spending less time with my family, especially since I work.

Why am I saying all this? It’s not to garnish sympathy, or to explain why I never update. It’s to say to the people who are in the same boat as me, that I get it. Sometimes it feels like there’s drugs in the air vents. Sometimes it feels like you’re going through life asleep. Sometimes it all feels like a blur, or a bitter struggle to keep any money you can so you don’t live the rest of your life in debt. I get it. But here’s the thing: All the stuff you’re worried about is the future. It’s not the present.

The other day, I was freaked out about money, because that same old fear of mine creeped up its head: “I had better save every penny I can, or else my family will starve on the streets.” It’s hard for me, because I feel like a miser sometimes, but I feel like I have to be. But I was thinking about this, and I realized that my fear and worry for the future were choking away what I had in the now. I was so worried about the future of my family, that I wasn’t spending as much time enjoying their company, playing with them, and being with them now.

I’ve come to realize that one of the things that causes fear is a lack of acceptance. If you know something will happen, then why fear? My kids are going to get hurt sometimes. There will come a time when I will pass away and my family will be on their own. And you know what? When that time comes, they are going to be alright. They’ll live on. And there will even come a time when my kids pass on. So when you know all this is going to happen sooner or later, you’re really left with two choices:

1) Spend the rest of your life in dread of the inevitable.
2) Enjoy what you have to the full extent while it lasts.

If you’re like me, wandering like a half-zombie through most of the morning, kids banging on the door when you try to use the restroom, working a ton. Just remember that not all the moments are painful ones. To take a big, relaxing breath, and just enjoy it all. For me, my family has done just fine so far, and they’ll continue to be okay long after I’m gone.

Until next time, keep it real.

  1. “All truth is very ordinary. It is peoples’ fantasies of what is true that are so extraordinary.” ~Brian Perkins

    “If you live the sacred and despise the ordinary, you are still bobbing in the ocean of delusion.” ~Lin-Chi

    “If you cannot find the truth right where you are, where will you look for it?”

    People who travel to broaden their experiences are obviously on the wrong Path, lad. All experiences that they can experience are DELUSIONS, no better than the delusions you can suffer without the suffering of airport gropings, filthy hotels, and the other absurdities of travel.

    Experience does not change one’s mind. One’s mind changes one’s experiences.

    I sat alone from March, 2011, until July, 2013, in a silent Tomb in the middle of the Arizona desert. One by one, I picked up and examined each source of suffering until I saw it for what it really was – a delusion invented by my own mind – and put all of them away forever.

    When I emerged (or was dragged forth by The Goddess’ hand), the world looked different. But the world had not changed in the slightest; I had.

    So be not inferior-feeling because you do not gallivant all over the world searching for what is always all around you. When you see such people, look upon them with benevolent amusement as you would behold children chasing soap bubbles… for that is what they really are.

    • Thank you for your wisdom. I do agree with you to an extent, but I do wonder if time abroad could serve the same purpose as your own time away has?

      I suppose its not entirely monotony in itself that I despise, but artificiality. Leave me alone in nature for a time and I’m fine, but force me to wander around Walmart for a few hours and I start to go a little crazy. I think I feel that way because of what it represents.

      It is a cold, efficient, artificial. It is beauty sacrificed for the sake of stuff.

      • I was never “away” from MYSELF, lad! 🙂 Of what concern to you are your surroundings when the only means of changing them lies within you? One can meditate upon one’s own delusions in Wal Mart or Whole Wallet (Foods), in the desert or a Thai brothel. All are equally “artificial,” artifacts of one’s mind.

        And why distract yourself from your own release from samsara to dwell futilely on what Wal Mart “represents?” How does that help you attain the end of suffering, yours or any other sentient being’s?

        It is the distractions of surroundings that prevent Enlightenment. Far better for your progress towards ending suffering to dwell in mother-in-law’s basement than in the place where I am until, at most, the end of November: a cross between Playboy Mansion and antiques museum, with many illusory sensual pleasures to turn my mind from myself and its work.

        The Goddess, in Her infinite goodness and love for me, has seen to it that I received a “notice to quit the premises” so that a co-tenant’s girlfriend can have my room full of delusions. For Her loving help, I thank and praise Her.

  2. Teresa Jensen said:

    Please keep writing. I am a seven and I really want to read about me and more about 8 and 9. You are a kindred spirit and I love your ability to bring clarity to spiritual ideas. Thanks and good luck with caring for your family.

  3. drew said:

    Today i was trying to pee and thinking about the only thing i have even considered the duty of a human being. The universal language is math for people who are in horrible shape, so for example my universe expresses itself through the abundant & ironic irony(if u can say that). Before i forget or fall asleep, the progress began when i floated the simple idea that what we call God lives in our brain and is the subconscious mind. Then I assume hypothetically its correct and see what the implications look like compared to what i have deduced as most probable things such as: time being the illusion we fall for the most is the hardest to escape. #1 reason is the description i have heard many scientists give the moment before the big bang is like unimaginably hot dense and small. Well, i know that size and all empirical data requires two objects to even invent the concepts, and the only object in the universe is in an unchanging moment outside of time. Now i am about sure that not only did the big bang never happen; whoever said it did is a deliberate to attempt to take power from God. Now is the only moment and the point that your conscious mind as well as many are the famous only point. The bigger the lie the less likely it will be discovered, Consider that we can’t control any of the effects our observations have on reality if you are an Amit Gaswami fan like me, if not watch The Quantum Activist. Anyway that point has been the God or NLC(non local consciousness), and we are needed to observe things on behalf of God that we unknowingly manifest, like a gullible god. You may have heard or discovered all this, but a sign to me was the symbolic battle between God and the devil in our bodies. Our spine is a snake that tries to convince us to identify with your body, and God is the skull representing what he was doing by showing me that very idea in that way, helping me protect myself. The Coldplay song the scientist is about the impossibility of waking up through the realm of arbitrary memorizing and no imagination, but the best lyric is “No one ever said that it would be easy, blah blah blah blah, No one ever said that it would be so hard. I’m going back to the start”

    Please let me know what i should do to join the rest of the(i am 98% sure i’m one) indigo kids

    name is Andrew Adkison, and i just broke through a milestone of self discovery because spirit science changed the reality i was having to do what i have since my obsession began. I had to sense, at first, the direction that i knew would be exactly where to find answers if any exist.

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