Hi everyone. You don’t need me to tell you it’s been a long time since my last post. As a matter of fact, I left half-way through a series of writings on the Enneagram, just flat out abandoning those poor little articles without their siblings.
I suppose I should start with an explanation of my sudden disappearance from the internet. It went like this: First, one of my articles was on the receiving end of some powerful criticism. Now, let me say this: Criticism I can take, but this particular criticism had a lot of truth to it, and that’s something different. I was stuck, and I remember at the same time thinking that if I continued with the rest of the series, that same criticism would just apply to all the other articles too, and I would have that glaring criticism just staring me in the face while I just blatantly ignored it and failed to address it and before you know it the whole project along with my reputation as a “honest” writer tanks. After all, if someone criticizes you, and you think they’re right, and you go on writing the articles just to finish the series, well what level of OCD is that?
At the same time that I was pondering what to do with this…view that had been handed to me, I began the sudden and unexpected process of moving my family out of my sister-in-law’s house. Also, I got a new job, took up an interest in voice acting for a while, my wife began homeschooling my son, and every other day was insane with busyness. Since then, I took up a different job, moved into my mother-in-law’s house (poverty, yeah!) and have been busy raising two kids who pretty much keep me preoccupied 24/7. In case you’re wondering, I’m not writing this because I want to make excuses for not writing anything before now.
It is time to wake up again
My point is, I fell asleep. I began drifting. I let society hypnotize me and more time has sifted through my fingers.
Don’t get me wrong. It hasn’t all been a blur. I won second place in a pizza-eating contest and gave the absurdly large local pizza-eating trophy to my older son. I’ve trained my one year old to make an explosion sound when I say “Ziggy boogy doog,” and if you get that reference I applaud you.
I think another reason I drifted is that I’ve always felt counterfeit in the spiritual community. Here you have people who take up the lives of monks, or who travel around like Jordan has, and are thus able to transcend their roots and grow in many ways by experiencing countless different cultures around them. I know people on Skype who claim to be able to speak with spirits, or work tarot, or astral project…and me?
Well…not so much. I drink caffeine, work a 9-5 (actually 11-8 currently), never remember my dreams, and basically, if you saw me face-to-face, you wouldn’t pick me out as the “spiritual” type at all. Sometimes I get lucky though. To quote the Grateful Dead, “Sometimes the light’s all shining on me. Other times I can barely see.” Lately for me, I’ve been pretty blind. You see, for me, spirituality, and writing about spirituality comes at a cost. Specifically, it comes at the cost of me spending less time with my family, especially since I work.
Why am I saying all this? It’s not to garnish sympathy, or to explain why I never update. It’s to say to the people who are in the same boat as me, that I get it. Sometimes it feels like there’s drugs in the air vents. Sometimes it feels like you’re going through life asleep. Sometimes it all feels like a blur, or a bitter struggle to keep any money you can so you don’t live the rest of your life in debt. I get it. But here’s the thing: All the stuff you’re worried about is the future. It’s not the present.
The other day, I was freaked out about money, because that same old fear of mine creeped up its head: “I had better save every penny I can, or else my family will starve on the streets.” It’s hard for me, because I feel like a miser sometimes, but I feel like I have to be. But I was thinking about this, and I realized that my fear and worry for the future were choking away what I had in the now. I was so worried about the future of my family, that I wasn’t spending as much time enjoying their company, playing with them, and being with them now.
I’ve come to realize that one of the things that causes fear is a lack of acceptance. If you know something will happen, then why fear? My kids are going to get hurt sometimes. There will come a time when I will pass away and my family will be on their own. And you know what? When that time comes, they are going to be alright. They’ll live on. And there will even come a time when my kids pass on. So when you know all this is going to happen sooner or later, you’re really left with two choices:
1) Spend the rest of your life in dread of the inevitable.
2) Enjoy what you have to the full extent while it lasts.
If you’re like me, wandering like a half-zombie through most of the morning, kids banging on the door when you try to use the restroom, working a ton. Just remember that not all the moments are painful ones. To take a big, relaxing breath, and just enjoy it all. For me, my family has done just fine so far, and they’ll continue to be okay long after I’m gone.
Until next time, keep it real.